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Yet another fic I did based on lyrics, but I can't declare it a… - Harry Potter Group Beta

About Yet another fic I did based on lyrics, but I can't declare it a…

Previous Entry Nov. 5th, 2004 @ 02:29 pm Next Entry
Yet another fic I did based on lyrics, but I can't declare it a song!fic. I don't use the lyrics within the story, I simply used them and the music to set my scene as I wrote it.

Song: Amsterdam
Pairing: Remus/Sirius (Mid/Post-PoA)
Rating: R (language)
Disclaimer: None of this is mine. The song and characters belong to other people who will actually make money off of them. Don't sue me. *begs* But! Feel free to, er, y'know, buy the idea, JKR. *hint hint, nudge nudge, wink wink*
Title:

Remus knocked lightly on the door to Sirius's bedroom, hesitation stirring the panicked thoughts in his ever-moving mind. The gruff voice responded after a pause, a Padfoot-esque grunt giving Remus invitation. He pushed the door open slowly, stepping warily into the room. Sirius was at his wardrobe, pulling out the threadbare and moth-eaten shirts and trouser, throwing them in a heap on the floor.

When Remus didn't speak, Sirius turned to see who it was that had entered. He stared for a moment, eyes boring into Remus, and then resumed throwing his old garments to the floor. Silence pervaded.

Remus swallowed hard. Things had been... awkward, to say the very least, since Sirius had returned, but they had not thus far discussed anything. In fact, they had expertly dodged speaking of the past. But now, with Sirius back in his childhood home (hellhole, he called it) and forbidden to see Harry, forbidden to seek out Pettigrew, Remus knew he had little choice but to broach the sensitive subject that was wrought with twelve years' worth of emotion.

"Pads," he started, and Sirius flashed him an angry look at the use of the nickname. "Sirius," Remus corrected softly, ducking his head, properly chastised. "Or would Mr. Black be preferable?" he asked, the newfound anger in his voice biting.

"Fuck off, Lupin," Sirius said simply, throwing yet another robe into the quickly-growing pile.

His sharp words tore at Remus's heart, but Lupin said nothing in regards to this. "I won't," he said instead. "And I don't think you really want me to-"

Running at him suddenly, Sirius pinned Remus to the wall, fists gripping handfuls of Remus's sweater. "What do you want?" Sirius hissed angrily.

Remus swallowed hard again, simultaneously aroused and terrified at being so near Sirius. "If you would kindly take your hands off me and stop verbally berating me, I might bring myself around to that," Remus informed him coolly.

Sirius released the other man, backing toward the wardrobe again. He faced Remus squarely, and it was then that Remus realised that there was no getting around to this sort of thing, that he didn't rightly know what to say. When he simply remained, standing there, Sirius scoffed, yanked an entire drawer from the wardrobe and slammed it into the opposite wall. "Fucking pathetic, Moony," he snarled. "Sod off."

Remus inhaled sharply. "It wasn't easy for me, either, Pads-" he started, anger unable to surpass his other emotions.

"Easy?" Sirius roared. "Well, no, I suppose it bloody wasn't easy, Remus! I mean, it must have been so fucking hard to live guilt and bar-free for the past twelve years!"

Remus called anger to the surface rather simply, now, and he slammed the door, finally coming fully into the room. "Now you're being fucking ridiculous," he snapped.

"Oh, am I?"

Remus advanced a step. "Yes, you are. Make no mistake -I realise how it must have been for you. But don't you dare think -not for a moment- that it was easy for me," he said in anguish. "Fuck, Sirius, my best friends were dead and you-" Remus paused for a moment. "I loved you. But you were the only one to blame," he hissed, pleading with Sirius to understand.

"Peter-" Sirius began.

"Peter was supposedly dead at your hand, with a number of eye witnesses! You were the Secret Keeper, you met Hagrid at their home, and you were rash and sought out Peter, further signing the warrant for your own death." Remus's breath hitched, and he hesitated, allowing his voice to return to its normal timbre. "Do you have any idea what it's like, Pads, any idea at all, to return from business to learn that James and Lily are dead, and so is Peter, and you- You, Sirius, are to blame? You are being locked away in the most terrible place imaginable.

"I came back to an empty flat, Sirius. And funerals of those I loved most. And for all I knew, you might have been dead as well. My life was over." Remus swallowed hard, trying arduously to breathe. "No amount of denial would change that."

"And you claim to have loved me," Sirius muttered finally.

"Yes," Remus responded simply.

"Fuck, Moony, you thought I betrayed James! James, Remus! How the fuck can you stand there, claiming to have loved me, and have believed that I would betray them?"

Remus froze. "I-" There was a long pause, during which Sirius collapsed onto his bed, head in his hands, and Remus realised that the purpose for coming up here, his original reason, had been completely forgotten from the moment he had seen Sirius throwing out the life he had once had. Tentatively, Remus sat beside him. "That's it, you know. Why I came here in the first place. Not to -justify my actions, my former beliefs: to apologise for them." Sirius remained silent. "I thought you betrayed us all, Sirius. But in truth, it was I who betrayed you."

It was Sirius's turn to swallow hard. "Yes," he whispered.

The word hit Remus like the Cruciatus Curse, reverberating in his ears, ricocheting pain through his chest. Finally, it was made true. With one simple word, Remus knew that he had been more at fault for this awkwardness, this horrible pain than Sirius could ever have been. "I- I'm sorry, Sirius," he managed. "I'm sorry."

Remus turned to him, and for a moment, he was suspended in time, with the Sirius from so many years ago; with the Sirius he had known and loved so much as a boy. The Sirius he still knew and loved now, in some capacity; and Remus couldn't stop himself from raising a hand to that long hair, cupping Sirius's face gently. "I'm so sorry," he murmured, feeling himself breaking apart from the inside out. He repeated himself again, the words spilling from his lips, without warning, a faucet continuing to pour into an overfilled cup.

"That's enough," Sirius said gruffly, pushing Remus's hand away, gripping it tightly.

It didn't feel like enough. Remus could spend the remainder of his life apologising to Sirius, and it would never make up for what he had -and hadn't- done.

"I gave you up," Remus whispered, horrified. He paled. "I let you go."

"Moony," Sirius began insistently.

"I betrayed you, Pads. Just as Peter betrayed Lily and James and Harry- and us."

"You betrayed me twelve years of your trust, your love," Sirius snapped. "Peter betrayed us -and Harry- James and Lily. He betrayed them their lives; their world. You betrayed me twelve years, Remus, but you can start rectifying that right now."

Sirius took Remus's mouth with his own and Remus's body remembered, and responded in kind. Nodding, Remus looked at the tattered heap -of clothes, of memoirs, of things that once were- and set it alight.

"Good start," Sirius whispered, leaning down to kiss his lover once more. "That's definitely a very good start, Moony."


Feedback is much appreciated!
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: John Mayer, "New Deep"
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From:seventines
Date:November 9th, 2004 01:53 pm (UTC)
(Link)
"Fuck, Moony, you thought I betrayed James! James, Remus! How the fuck can you stand there, claiming to have loved me, and have believed that I would betray them?"
This sentence has both bold and italics. It's clear to me that Sirius is speaking passionately from the content, without the bold and italics. If you want to add to this, describe how he looks, how he sounds, how he's moving.

a faucet continuing
Just a Britpick. Faucet is rarely used in the UK, I'd just say tap.

"You betrayed me twelve years of your trust, your love," Sirius snapped. "Peter betrayed us -and Harry- James and Lily. He betrayed them their lives; their world. You betrayed me twelve years, Remus, but you can start rectifying that right now."

This is an odd usage of 'betrayed'. I can't quite put my finger on what's odd about it, but it seems unusual to betray a quality. I would have said that in betraying Sirius he deprived him of twelve years of trust and love, if you see what I mean.

'Rectifying' again isn't a word that I can see coming out in the heat of passion. 'Putting it right' might sound more natural.

Nodding, Remus looked at the tattered heap -of clothes, of memoirs, of things that once were- and set it alight.
There seems to be a lot of comment recently about the lack of magic in the HP fandom. Maybe let Remus produce a wand and use a spell?

Apart from all that picky stuff, I thought this was good. It was a nice choice of scene, you did a good job conveying the confusion and complexity of Remus's thoughts. Sirius seemed nicely in character. Remus I imagine to be quite formal, but you could maybe tone him down a bit? Does he speak like this in the books?

The emotion and the building up of tension was done well too. All in all, nice piece. Sorry it took me so long to get around to feedback. NaNo is taking over my life.
From:seventines
Date:November 9th, 2004 01:57 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Quite clearly, this is the second bit of feedback ;-0

I am crap at html tags, so had to edit the first bit and repost it (because I am anal...)

The first bit is below
From:seventines
Date:November 9th, 2004 01:55 pm (UTC)
(Link)
a Padfoot-esque grunt giving Remus invitation.
I think this is fine grammatically, but it sounds odd to me. A grunt is a bit too vague to give invitation, maybe it could give Remus enough confidence to invite himself inside, I don't know. Just quibbling ;-)

moth-eaten shirts and trouser should be trousers

who it was that had entered. entered is rather formal, how about 'who it was'?

resumed throwing his old garments to the floor. Silence pervaded.
A similar point - I love words and tend to use interesting ones just because I can (that's why I always lose at Scrabble). It's frequently suggested to me that doing this can distance the reader. I would suggest that Siris "continued" or "went on" throwing his old "clothes" on to the floor would be fine in this context. When I do this, I tend to look at the words and ask myself why I've chosen a particular word, what it adds, whether it fits with the character. You started with Sirius grunting - that's a bit less elegant, character-wise, than someone who 'resumes' and owns 'garments' - I'm probably not making the point well here but do let me know what you think.

Linked to this, can silence pervade? Does something need to be pervaded (e.g. the room?)

wrought with twelve years' worth of emotion
should 'wrought' be 'fraught' here?

newfound anger in his voice biting.
New and found should be hyphenated or separate words -unless they're in Newfoundland ;-)

When he simply remained, standing there,
There shouldn't be a comma between remained and standing.

to live guilt and bar-free for the past twelve years!
I don't know what you mean by 'bar-free'. I take it that it's not connected to a free bar. Is it prison bars? Maybe Dementor free would be easier to follow in that case.

I loved you. But you were the only one to blame," he hissed
I'm coming around to the opinion that you can speak or you can do other things, but not both. So if you hiss, you make a hissing sound. If you speak you speak. And there are no sibilants in this sentence, so I can't see Remus hissing it.

you were rash and sought out Peter, further signing the warrant for your own death.
Again, this is a very well constructed sentence for someone to produce in the heat of passion. Maybe more obvious words?

You, Sirius, are to blame? You are being locked away in the most terrible place imaginable.
This sentence goes a bit funny. There's a new paragraph but no quote marks - I'm not sure whether it should be all one paragraph or whether the end quote marks are missing. Then it goes into italics. Is that what you meant to do? I think you're using the italics for emphasis. I was always taught to avoid italics, to convey emphasis through phrasing and punctuation or explanation. What do the italics mean, here? Is he shouting? Is he not shouting when there are no italics? It might be clearer to indicate this to the reader.

trying arduously to breathe
Trying hard to breathe? ;)
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