Yet another fic I did based on lyrics, but I can't declare it a song!fic. I don't use the lyrics within the story, I simply used them and the music to set my scene as I wrote it.
Pairing: Remus/Sirius (Mid/Post-PoA)
Rating: R (language)
Disclaimer: None of this is mine. The song and characters belong to other people who will actually make money off of them. Don't sue me. *begs* But! Feel free to, er, y'know, buy the idea, JKR. *hint hint, nudge nudge, wink wink*
Remus knocked lightly on the door to Sirius's bedroom, hesitation stirring the panicked thoughts in his ever-moving mind. The gruff voice responded after a pause, a Padfoot-esque grunt giving Remus invitation. He pushed the door open slowly, stepping warily into the room. Sirius was at his wardrobe, pulling out the threadbare and moth-eaten shirts and trouser, throwing them in a heap on the floor.
When Remus didn't speak, Sirius turned to see who it was that had entered. He stared for a moment, eyes boring into Remus, and then resumed throwing his old garments to the floor. Silence pervaded.
Remus swallowed hard. Things had been... awkward, to say the very least, since Sirius had returned, but they had not thus far discussed anything. In fact, they had expertly dodged speaking of the past. But now, with Sirius back in his childhood home (hellhole, he called it) and forbidden to see Harry, forbidden to seek out Pettigrew, Remus knew he had little choice but to broach the sensitive subject that was wrought with twelve years' worth of emotion.
"Pads," he started, and Sirius flashed him an angry look at the use of the nickname. "Sirius," Remus corrected softly, ducking his head, properly chastised. "Or would Mr. Black be preferable?" he asked, the newfound anger in his voice biting.
"Fuck off, Lupin," Sirius said simply, throwing yet another robe into the quickly-growing pile.
His sharp words tore at Remus's heart, but Lupin said nothing in regards to this. "I won't," he said instead. "And I don't think you really want me to-"
Running at him suddenly, Sirius pinned Remus to the wall, fists gripping handfuls of Remus's sweater. "What do you want?" Sirius hissed angrily.
Remus swallowed hard again, simultaneously aroused and terrified at being so near Sirius. "If you would kindly take your hands off me and stop verbally berating me, I might bring myself around to that," Remus informed him coolly.
Sirius released the other man, backing toward the wardrobe again. He faced Remus squarely, and it was then that Remus realised that there was no getting around to this sort of thing, that he didn't rightly know what to say. When he simply remained, standing there, Sirius scoffed, yanked an entire drawer from the wardrobe and slammed it into the opposite wall. "Fucking pathetic, Moony," he snarled. "Sod off."
Remus inhaled sharply. "It wasn't easy for me, either, Pads-" he started, anger unable to surpass his other emotions.
"Easy?" Sirius roared. "Well, no, I suppose it bloody wasn't easy, Remus! I mean, it must have been so fucking hard to live guilt and bar-free for the past twelve years!"
Remus called anger to the surface rather simply, now, and he slammed the door, finally coming fully into the room. "Now you're being fucking ridiculous," he snapped.
"Oh, am I?"
Remus advanced a step. "Yes, you are. Make no mistake -I realise how it must have been for you. But don't you dare think -not for a moment- that it was easy for me," he said in anguish. "Fuck, Sirius, my best friends were dead and you-" Remus paused for a moment. "I loved you. But you were the only one to blame," he hissed, pleading with Sirius to understand.
"Peter-" Sirius began.
"Peter was supposedly dead at your hand, with a number of eye witnesses! You were the Secret Keeper, you met Hagrid at their home, and you were rash and sought out Peter, further signing the warrant for your own death." Remus's breath hitched, and he hesitated, allowing his voice to return to its normal timbre. "Do you have any idea what it's like, Pads, any idea at all, to return from business to learn that James and Lily are dead, and so is Peter, and you- You, Sirius, are to blame? You are being locked away in the most terrible place imaginable.
"I came back to an empty flat, Sirius. And funerals of those I loved most. And for all I knew, you might have been dead as well. My life was over." Remus swallowed hard, trying arduously to breathe. "No amount of denial would change that."
"And you claim to have loved me," Sirius muttered finally.
"Yes," Remus responded simply.
"Fuck, Moony, you thought I betrayed James! James, Remus! How the fuck can you stand there, claiming to have loved me, and have believed that I would betray them?"
Remus froze. "I-" There was a long pause, during which Sirius collapsed onto his bed, head in his hands, and Remus realised that the purpose for coming up here, his original reason, had been completely forgotten from the moment he had seen Sirius throwing out the life he had once had. Tentatively, Remus sat beside him. "That's it, you know. Why I came here in the first place. Not to -justify my actions, my former beliefs: to apologise for them." Sirius remained silent. "I thought you betrayed us all, Sirius. But in truth, it was I who betrayed you."
It was Sirius's turn to swallow hard. "Yes," he whispered.
The word hit Remus like the Cruciatus Curse, reverberating in his ears, ricocheting pain through his chest. Finally, it was made true. With one simple word, Remus knew that he had been more at fault for this awkwardness, this horrible pain than Sirius could ever have been. "I- I'm sorry, Sirius," he managed. "I'm sorry."
Remus turned to him, and for a moment, he was suspended in time, with the Sirius from so many years ago; with the Sirius he had known and loved so much as a boy. The Sirius he still knew and loved now, in some capacity; and Remus couldn't stop himself from raising a hand to that long hair, cupping Sirius's face gently. "I'm so sorry," he murmured, feeling himself breaking apart from the inside out. He repeated himself again, the words spilling from his lips, without warning, a faucet continuing to pour into an overfilled cup.
"That's enough," Sirius said gruffly, pushing Remus's hand away, gripping it tightly.
It didn't feel like enough. Remus could spend the remainder of his life apologising to Sirius, and it would never make up for what he had -and hadn't- done.
"I gave you up," Remus whispered, horrified. He paled. "I let you go."
"Moony," Sirius began insistently.
"I betrayed you, Pads. Just as Peter betrayed Lily and James and Harry- and us."
"You betrayed me twelve years of your trust, your love," Sirius snapped. "Peter betrayed us -and Harry- James and Lily. He betrayed them their lives; their world. You betrayed me twelve years, Remus, but you can start rectifying that right now."
Sirius took Remus's mouth with his own and Remus's body remembered, and responded in kind. Nodding, Remus looked at the tattered heap -of clothes, of memoirs, of things that once were- and set it alight.
"Good start," Sirius whispered, leaning down to kiss his lover once more. "That's definitely a very good start, Moony."
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